50 Most Beautiful People My....
Well, it's that time of year again.
People Magazine has released it's list of the 50 Most Beautiful People and somehow I got passed over yet again this year.
Here's their list with my commentary:
• Jessica Alba - how many nations' collagen production capacity was diverted to give her Mick Jagger lips?
• Jennifer Aniston - If she's so beautiful why is Brad chasing down skankalicious brother-nosher Angelina Jolie? Smokes like a chimney, looks about as much fun as a colonoscopy.
• Drew Barrymore - Tatted up trollops turn on the trailer trash.
• Mischa Barton - She looks like a Japanese cartoon character's Pez dispenser.
• David Beckham, International soccer star - Only beautiful if a middle-aged Vanilla Ice impersonator floats your boat.
• Halle Berry - Sorry, but everytime I see her I think of her rolling around on a couch with Billy Bob Thornton screaming, "Make me feel good! Make me feel....good!"
• Orlando Bloom - Looks like a fourteen-year-old whose dad hasn't bought a razor for.
• Penelope Cruz - Those deep brown eyes behind which lies utter vacuum.
• Patrick Dempsey, Grey's Anatomy - Is this Hugh Grant and Nic Cage's love child? I haven't seen a look this hangdog since John Kerry realized all that time he spent face-up in the crack of Newsweek reporters didn't seal the presidential deal after all.
• Johnny Depp - Looks like a botoxed Keith Richards.
• Hilary Duff - About as attractive as a 70s porn star, minus the novelty
• Sara Evans, Country singer - Vince Vaughn in drag
• Colin Farrell - So that's what l'il Eddie Munster looks like all growed up
• Jamie Foxx - I get the idea he tells his barber, "Just give me what Usher ordered, only shorter."
• Tim Green, former NFL star and best-selling author - So having Chris Isaac's hair is sufficient to make this list?
• Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU - All that plastic surgery to look like the ugliest member of a boy band?
• Tyler Hilton, One Tree Hill - Well, at least we know who's watching Jim Traficant's toupee while he's in prison.
• Josh Holloway, Lost - Is he auditioning for Children of the Rainbow's version of "Bride of Frankenstein"?
• Scarlett Johansson - If her lips get any bigger she'll be talking like Mushmouth from The Cosby Kids
• Angelina Jolie - Ditto, plus tats. That's "tats."
• Juanes, Colombian musician - Have he and Jennifer Connelly ever been seen in the same room together?
• Alicia Keys - Well, okay, I'll give them this one.
• Heidi Klum - I suppose this isn't the 50 Smartest People....
• Jude Law - Remember those kitschy gay sailor ads from the 90s? Law's groomer does.
• Lindsay Lohan - Lohan compares herself to Ann Margaret. Ann Margaret did not look like a telephone pole to which 2 basketballs had been fastened.
• Eva Mendes, Hitch - Like J-Lo minus the junk in the trunk. Why not just put J-Lo on the list?
• Jesse Metcalfe, Desperate Housewives - Carson Daly's brooding older brother? You've gotta be kidding me.
• Sienna Miller, Alfie - Built like a tire pressure gauge.
• Catalina Sandino Moreno, Maria Full of Grace - C'mon, admit it---the dude from "The Crying Game" was prettier.
• Sandra Oh, Sideways, Grey's Anatomy - Include Oh but not the much finer (and badass) Michelle Yeoh? You've GOT to be kidding me. Oh's a Yeoh wannabe, no?
• Sophie Okonedo, Hotel Rwanda - Oh, my....mmm hmmmmm.
• Clive Owen, Sin City, Closer - Looks exactly like every middle-aged pasty white boy who whines to his pedicurist about how stressful and demanding his life is.
• Tyler Perry, Diary of a Mad Black Woman author - Writers aren't pretty. If they were, they wouldn't have any spiteful things to write about those who are.
• Brad Pitt - Admit it---doesn't he really look like the dude who rings up your slurpee at the Kwik-E-Mart?
• Julia Roberts - When Eric Roberts is the pretty one in the family, you're automatically excluded from consideration for this list
• Seal - Great singer, but if Bill Murray's acne keeps him off this list, oughtn't the enormous scars do the same for seal? Or is this 50 Best Abs?
• Maria Sharapova, Russian tennis player - I hadn't noticed her looks---I focus on her tennis skill.
• Jessica Simpson - More plastic in her than a Hyundai.
• Elizabeth Smart, Utah teen - Umm, all things considered, wouldn't it be better NOT to call attention to her beauty?
• Martha Stewart - She wasn't even one of the 50 most beautiful female prisoners, yo.
• Hilary Swank - Shouldn't winning an Oscar playing a convincing boy disqualify you from this contest?
• Usher - Tells his barber, "Just give me what Moe Howard ordered, only shorter."
• Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat basketball player - If you model your facial hair grooming on that one guy from The Smithereens, you're not beautiful. Period.
• Oprah Winfrey - She must be tipping the scales again for People to throw her this bone.
• Kate Winslet - One of the few Hollywood actresses to not look like a prepubescent boy, but I'm not sure that makes you a Top 50 looker.
• Ziyi Zhang, House of Flying Daggers - I would master every Chinese dialect plus learn kung fu just for the privilege of picking up the steaming poo her dog laid down while she walked it. That's how hot she is.
People Magazine has released it's list of the 50 Most Beautiful People and somehow I got passed over yet again this year.
Here's their list with my commentary:
• Jessica Alba - how many nations' collagen production capacity was diverted to give her Mick Jagger lips?
• Jennifer Aniston - If she's so beautiful why is Brad chasing down skankalicious brother-nosher Angelina Jolie? Smokes like a chimney, looks about as much fun as a colonoscopy.
• Drew Barrymore - Tatted up trollops turn on the trailer trash.
• Mischa Barton - She looks like a Japanese cartoon character's Pez dispenser.
• David Beckham, International soccer star - Only beautiful if a middle-aged Vanilla Ice impersonator floats your boat.
• Halle Berry - Sorry, but everytime I see her I think of her rolling around on a couch with Billy Bob Thornton screaming, "Make me feel good! Make me feel....good!"
• Orlando Bloom - Looks like a fourteen-year-old whose dad hasn't bought a razor for.
• Penelope Cruz - Those deep brown eyes behind which lies utter vacuum.
• Patrick Dempsey, Grey's Anatomy - Is this Hugh Grant and Nic Cage's love child? I haven't seen a look this hangdog since John Kerry realized all that time he spent face-up in the crack of Newsweek reporters didn't seal the presidential deal after all.
• Johnny Depp - Looks like a botoxed Keith Richards.
• Hilary Duff - About as attractive as a 70s porn star, minus the novelty
• Sara Evans, Country singer - Vince Vaughn in drag
• Colin Farrell - So that's what l'il Eddie Munster looks like all growed up
• Jamie Foxx - I get the idea he tells his barber, "Just give me what Usher ordered, only shorter."
• Tim Green, former NFL star and best-selling author - So having Chris Isaac's hair is sufficient to make this list?
• Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU - All that plastic surgery to look like the ugliest member of a boy band?
• Tyler Hilton, One Tree Hill - Well, at least we know who's watching Jim Traficant's toupee while he's in prison.
• Josh Holloway, Lost - Is he auditioning for Children of the Rainbow's version of "Bride of Frankenstein"?
• Scarlett Johansson - If her lips get any bigger she'll be talking like Mushmouth from The Cosby Kids
• Angelina Jolie - Ditto, plus tats. That's "tats."
• Juanes, Colombian musician - Have he and Jennifer Connelly ever been seen in the same room together?
• Alicia Keys - Well, okay, I'll give them this one.
• Heidi Klum - I suppose this isn't the 50 Smartest People....
• Jude Law - Remember those kitschy gay sailor ads from the 90s? Law's groomer does.
• Lindsay Lohan - Lohan compares herself to Ann Margaret. Ann Margaret did not look like a telephone pole to which 2 basketballs had been fastened.
• Eva Mendes, Hitch - Like J-Lo minus the junk in the trunk. Why not just put J-Lo on the list?
• Jesse Metcalfe, Desperate Housewives - Carson Daly's brooding older brother? You've gotta be kidding me.
• Sienna Miller, Alfie - Built like a tire pressure gauge.
• Catalina Sandino Moreno, Maria Full of Grace - C'mon, admit it---the dude from "The Crying Game" was prettier.
• Sandra Oh, Sideways, Grey's Anatomy - Include Oh but not the much finer (and badass) Michelle Yeoh? You've GOT to be kidding me. Oh's a Yeoh wannabe, no?
• Sophie Okonedo, Hotel Rwanda - Oh, my....mmm hmmmmm.
• Clive Owen, Sin City, Closer - Looks exactly like every middle-aged pasty white boy who whines to his pedicurist about how stressful and demanding his life is.
• Tyler Perry, Diary of a Mad Black Woman author - Writers aren't pretty. If they were, they wouldn't have any spiteful things to write about those who are.
• Brad Pitt - Admit it---doesn't he really look like the dude who rings up your slurpee at the Kwik-E-Mart?
• Julia Roberts - When Eric Roberts is the pretty one in the family, you're automatically excluded from consideration for this list
• Seal - Great singer, but if Bill Murray's acne keeps him off this list, oughtn't the enormous scars do the same for seal? Or is this 50 Best Abs?
• Maria Sharapova, Russian tennis player - I hadn't noticed her looks---I focus on her tennis skill.
• Jessica Simpson - More plastic in her than a Hyundai.
• Elizabeth Smart, Utah teen - Umm, all things considered, wouldn't it be better NOT to call attention to her beauty?
• Martha Stewart - She wasn't even one of the 50 most beautiful female prisoners, yo.
• Hilary Swank - Shouldn't winning an Oscar playing a convincing boy disqualify you from this contest?
• Usher - Tells his barber, "Just give me what Moe Howard ordered, only shorter."
• Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat basketball player - If you model your facial hair grooming on that one guy from The Smithereens, you're not beautiful. Period.
• Oprah Winfrey - She must be tipping the scales again for People to throw her this bone.
• Kate Winslet - One of the few Hollywood actresses to not look like a prepubescent boy, but I'm not sure that makes you a Top 50 looker.
• Ziyi Zhang, House of Flying Daggers - I would master every Chinese dialect plus learn kung fu just for the privilege of picking up the steaming poo her dog laid down while she walked it. That's how hot she is.
6 Comments:
Killer post. Simply wicked. I agree with every single one. Simply had to link to it. To good to pass up.
"Moe Fine"? It's Moe Howard or Larry Fine. ;)
Thanks, Pat. Tef's brain was on auto-stooge.
WG
Mischa Barton really does look like apanese cartoon character's Pez dispenser. Brilliant.
Japanese!
Teflon, I think you enjoyed this post way, way too much. :-)
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