My Papal Concession Speech
Friends, Romans, Catholics-
Lend me your ears.
The Holy Spirit, to paraphrase U2, moves in mysterious ways indeed.
Given the historical opportunity to think outside-the-box and make a truly stunning selection for pontiff, the College of Cardinals (Louisville?) elected one of their own, Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, to succeed John Paul II. I myself would never suck up to the cardinal electors by having my middle name legally changed to their title, but to each their own.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm sure that the man who took on a papal name inspired by the actor who played Starbuck on "Battlestar Galactica" back in the 70s will do a fine job. After all, at 78 years young, he's no doubt had lots of practice wearing robes and waving at people. I'm sure he'l be a great Pope, and in any case, there are enough people around him all the time that he won't break any Vatican vases or anything.
I, on the other hand, would have been a different kind of Pope.
For one thing, I'm not Catholic. There's a big difference right there! Sure, John Paul II wasn't Catholic either, according to Christiane Amanpour, but I'm truly non-Catholic.
No doubt, those religious bigots in the Vatican held that little demographic fact against me in the balloting.
Why couldn't they look at the whole person?
I like to talk. That's good for a pontiff, isn't it? They talk all the time, sometimes even in foreign tongues. I can swear in Russian, Portuguese, French, Spanish, and British ("Bugger all!"), so that should have been a wash.
I like to wear hats. Most of what the Pope does involves a hat of some sort. I look good in a hat.
The Pope issues opinions. I have lots of those, and could make many more upon request.
The Pope wears robes. I'm told I look quite fetching in my robe, which I wear outdoors sometimes, just like the Pope. (Though I have to admit nobody throws flowers at me when I do---they just tend to yell a lot, sometimes in Russian, Portuguese, French, Spanish, and British).
Had the Cardinals seen fit to select me, a humble, obedient, non-Catholic servant of God, I would immediately have started shaking stuff up.
First, I would have selected a much more hip papal name---Pope John Paul George Ringo. Or maybe Pope Badass I. Something that would get people talking about the Church again, because you need buzz to put butts in pews these days.
Second, I would have changed the name of The Vatican to simply "The V". It's got an aura of mystery about it, doesn't it? "The V." Plus I liked that Marc Singer miniseries "V", and it would remind me of it.
Third, I'd make all the cardinals Red Sox. Live in the now. 'Nuff said.
Fourth, the host needs pepper. Or garlic. Something.
Fifth, mass is way too long. Maybe it's the name---"mass"---as in "massively long." I'd call it "min" and get you out of there in 20 minutes, or your offering back. And add a Drive-Thru. That way we can get more butts in seats too.
Sixth, I'd excommunicate John Kerry. No magic hats in the Body of Christ, thank you!
Seventh, I'd put monster truck tires on the Popemobile, and maybe one of those drag chutes like Batman used to have.
I like to think I would have been a good Pope, maybe the best, certainly the most humble. My goal would have been to be so outrageously righteous that even being humble I could sing my own praises, because I was that much better than even I said, you know?
But, in the end, I yield to the will of God, who through no fault of my own has decreed that the next Pope will be somebody who's been in the Catholic Church for a really long time, knows all this stuff about it, and worked his way up through the ranks over decades, yet somehow missed the part where you're supposed to call your opponent and let him know what a tough campaign he fought, even if you somehow talked God out of making him Pope, of which he would have been the best, all-time.
I won't challenge the vote. I won't ask for a recount. I won't claim that my supporters were intimidated by the red robes in the room or the incense or even a fear of Germans. I'm a Protestant, after all, not a Democrat.
I wish my opponent, Pope Benedict XVI, all the best and thank my vast legion of supporter for his time and effort on my behalf.
In the meantime, I understand Iraq's looking for a full-time President.....
Lend me your ears.
The Holy Spirit, to paraphrase U2, moves in mysterious ways indeed.
Given the historical opportunity to think outside-the-box and make a truly stunning selection for pontiff, the College of Cardinals (Louisville?) elected one of their own, Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, to succeed John Paul II. I myself would never suck up to the cardinal electors by having my middle name legally changed to their title, but to each their own.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm sure that the man who took on a papal name inspired by the actor who played Starbuck on "Battlestar Galactica" back in the 70s will do a fine job. After all, at 78 years young, he's no doubt had lots of practice wearing robes and waving at people. I'm sure he'l be a great Pope, and in any case, there are enough people around him all the time that he won't break any Vatican vases or anything.
I, on the other hand, would have been a different kind of Pope.
For one thing, I'm not Catholic. There's a big difference right there! Sure, John Paul II wasn't Catholic either, according to Christiane Amanpour, but I'm truly non-Catholic.
No doubt, those religious bigots in the Vatican held that little demographic fact against me in the balloting.
Why couldn't they look at the whole person?
I like to talk. That's good for a pontiff, isn't it? They talk all the time, sometimes even in foreign tongues. I can swear in Russian, Portuguese, French, Spanish, and British ("Bugger all!"), so that should have been a wash.
I like to wear hats. Most of what the Pope does involves a hat of some sort. I look good in a hat.
The Pope issues opinions. I have lots of those, and could make many more upon request.
The Pope wears robes. I'm told I look quite fetching in my robe, which I wear outdoors sometimes, just like the Pope. (Though I have to admit nobody throws flowers at me when I do---they just tend to yell a lot, sometimes in Russian, Portuguese, French, Spanish, and British).
Had the Cardinals seen fit to select me, a humble, obedient, non-Catholic servant of God, I would immediately have started shaking stuff up.
First, I would have selected a much more hip papal name---Pope John Paul George Ringo. Or maybe Pope Badass I. Something that would get people talking about the Church again, because you need buzz to put butts in pews these days.
Second, I would have changed the name of The Vatican to simply "The V". It's got an aura of mystery about it, doesn't it? "The V." Plus I liked that Marc Singer miniseries "V", and it would remind me of it.
Third, I'd make all the cardinals Red Sox. Live in the now. 'Nuff said.
Fourth, the host needs pepper. Or garlic. Something.
Fifth, mass is way too long. Maybe it's the name---"mass"---as in "massively long." I'd call it "min" and get you out of there in 20 minutes, or your offering back. And add a Drive-Thru. That way we can get more butts in seats too.
Sixth, I'd excommunicate John Kerry. No magic hats in the Body of Christ, thank you!
Seventh, I'd put monster truck tires on the Popemobile, and maybe one of those drag chutes like Batman used to have.
I like to think I would have been a good Pope, maybe the best, certainly the most humble. My goal would have been to be so outrageously righteous that even being humble I could sing my own praises, because I was that much better than even I said, you know?
But, in the end, I yield to the will of God, who through no fault of my own has decreed that the next Pope will be somebody who's been in the Catholic Church for a really long time, knows all this stuff about it, and worked his way up through the ranks over decades, yet somehow missed the part where you're supposed to call your opponent and let him know what a tough campaign he fought, even if you somehow talked God out of making him Pope, of which he would have been the best, all-time.
I won't challenge the vote. I won't ask for a recount. I won't claim that my supporters were intimidated by the red robes in the room or the incense or even a fear of Germans. I'm a Protestant, after all, not a Democrat.
I wish my opponent, Pope Benedict XVI, all the best and thank my vast legion of supporter for his time and effort on my behalf.
In the meantime, I understand Iraq's looking for a full-time President.....
4 Comments:
Even though I think your concessional speech is borderline blasphemous, I still had to LMAO, as my 13 yr old would type. I think you have all the great requirements to make a non-grumbling, follow-the-flock-so-as -not-to-get-lost, stand -up-for-your-2000yr old Faith Catholic, but I know that you are content where you are. I am pleased you see the Catholic Church as comfortable enough to visit about and even pick on a little. I know it's mature enough to take a good joke. Smile with us *conservative* Catholics, will you? We have a conservative scholar in *The V* !!
I think Cardinal Ratzinger's a great choice, actually, although I would have equally welcomed the Nigerian cardinal as well, given the amazing work the Catholic Church has done via the ABC program against Aids throughout the region.
What I was riffing upon was the MSM's odd notion that the papal selection was somehow a political race, and their outright bias when their "candidate" lost, so similar to 2000 and 2004 American presidential elections.
All that was missing was a Zogby poll showing John Kerry had the papal nomination all locked up.
stumbled on this through a comment on worship naked.
hilarious. really!
i will write more when i get back from wednesday morning "min."
:)
Teflon, you're a pip! I agree with Karen that you are borderline blasphemous BUT also deadon funny! LMAO indeed!
I have been both infuriated AND amused by the almost universal and arrogant stupidity on display since John Paul II's death. I had a hope that the Nigerian cardinal had a shot, but reflection has convinced me that Benedict XVI is the best choice.
And to those arrogant American Catholics who think THEY know better than the cardinals and the Pope - pfui on you! The Catholic Church has survived for 2,000 years by sticking to its doctrine and not fluctuating in tune with the winds of religious fashion. Either get with the program or become a Unitarian!
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