The Bible For Dummies
Now there's a Holy Scripture for the rest of us:
Sure, and the carefully-selected lefties of The Jesus Seminar had no political axe to grind either.
If in reading the Bible your primary concern is that it's not "inclusive" enough, you've got bigger problems than the use of language.
Why not take this all the way?
Aren't the Ten Commandments too unhip?
Why not make them a little more 21st century, a Generation Y translation if you will:
1. I am the cool mack daddy of the dope hype flow. Give me props and mad respect.
2. Don't be kneeling for some bling bling.
3. Don't be throwing my name around, be it J. Hovah or Yah Diddy.
4. Yo, Sunday is "funday", ya dig?
5. Respect your moms, your pops, or whoever it was raised you, unless they whack.
6. Thou shalt not bust a cap in someone's ass.
7. Don't be running around on people like they don't know.
8. No five-finger discounts.
9. Don't front.
10. If your neighbor's got a fly crib or a pimped-out set of wheels, that's they bidness, not yours.
Update:
Reader James takes me to task in the comments for poking fun at African-American culture with this post. That was certainly not my intent---the satirical Ten Commandments above was intended to parody the notion of updating an exalted text through the lens of modern language fads. The language was deliberately distorted and exaggerated so as to sound like a middle-aged adult trying too hard to be "hip".
In any case, I apologize to anyone for whom this post caused offense, and hope that you will be willing to grant that however inartful the satire was, it was not intended to ridicule African-Americans or even today's youth, but rather the efforts of politically-motivated Bible translators. A fuller response may be found in the comments section. My thanks to James for his comments, and my thanks to you for reading.
For readers of the Bible confused by its archaic language, such as its use of the term "stoned" for a form of execution rather than the effects of smoking dope, help is at hand.
One of the world's most widely read Bibles, the New International Version, has been modernised by a team of 15 American and British scholars and is published today.
Gone is the word "aliens", which the academics thought was invariably associated in the minds of the younger generation with extra-terrestrials. It is replaced with "foreigners".
Even the term "saints" is deemed to be too "ecclesiastical" and has been banished, to be replaced with "God's chosen people". The Virgin Mary is no longer "with child"; she is "pregnant".
And, to the dismay of traditionalists, who will suspect a feminist agenda, "inclusive" language has been introduced throughout.
Where the original read: "When God created Man, he made him in the likeness of God"; the new version says: "When God created human beings, he made them in the likeness of God."
For those unfamiliar with the punishments meted out in Biblical times to blasphemers and adulterers, the new version is also helpful, changing "Naboth has been stoned and is dead" to "Naboth has been stoned to death".
More than 45,000 changes - about seven per cent of the text - have been made. Even the title has been changed to Today's New International Version.
The new version has already caused a stir in the United States, however. Paige Patterson, a former president of the Southern Baptist Convention, said that the translators had gone beyond trying to clarify meaning.
"They have an agenda - to attempt to force egalitarian and even feminist perspectives on readers in the name of translation," he said.
But the scholars who worked on the book rejected the charges, saying that their changes were a fair reflection of the original Greek or Hebrew texts or updated colloquial English words.
Sure, and the carefully-selected lefties of The Jesus Seminar had no political axe to grind either.
If in reading the Bible your primary concern is that it's not "inclusive" enough, you've got bigger problems than the use of language.
Why not take this all the way?
Aren't the Ten Commandments too unhip?
Why not make them a little more 21st century, a Generation Y translation if you will:
1. I am the cool mack daddy of the dope hype flow. Give me props and mad respect.
2. Don't be kneeling for some bling bling.
3. Don't be throwing my name around, be it J. Hovah or Yah Diddy.
4. Yo, Sunday is "funday", ya dig?
5. Respect your moms, your pops, or whoever it was raised you, unless they whack.
6. Thou shalt not bust a cap in someone's ass.
7. Don't be running around on people like they don't know.
8. No five-finger discounts.
9. Don't front.
10. If your neighbor's got a fly crib or a pimped-out set of wheels, that's they bidness, not yours.
Update:
Reader James takes me to task in the comments for poking fun at African-American culture with this post. That was certainly not my intent---the satirical Ten Commandments above was intended to parody the notion of updating an exalted text through the lens of modern language fads. The language was deliberately distorted and exaggerated so as to sound like a middle-aged adult trying too hard to be "hip".
In any case, I apologize to anyone for whom this post caused offense, and hope that you will be willing to grant that however inartful the satire was, it was not intended to ridicule African-Americans or even today's youth, but rather the efforts of politically-motivated Bible translators. A fuller response may be found in the comments section. My thanks to James for his comments, and my thanks to you for reading.
23 Comments:
That was too funny!
This infantile attempt at irony leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sarcasm or no, your anti-Black bias with this post leaves much to be desired.
To poke humor at modern-day renditions of the Bible is understandable; to engage in pseudo-ebonic blackface to make your point is another matter entirely. I found this post through Michelle Malkin’s blog, and I was quite offended and disappointed by your distasteful literary demonization of African American youth culture and Christian belief.
Further, this joke wasn’t funny.
Black people and their creations do not exist for your personal entertainment. Next time, please try respecting other cultures and their jargon as you assert your perspectives.
Oh, and no one who understands hip hop would say ‘dope hype flow’.
James-
I'm sorry to have offended you---that was certainly not my intention.
I don't know why you think this was "ebonics" or some sort of African-American patois---I don't know of any African-Americans who talk in this deliberately distorted fashion.
"Cool mack daddy of the dope hype flow" is a reference to Brian Austin Green's hiphop wannabe character on "Beverly Hills 90210" from about 10 years ago.
The point of the "translation" was to demonstrate how ludicrous it is to take the exalted and make it more "hip", "cool", or "politically correct".
The NIV translators' attempts to water down the language of Holy Scripture to bring it more in concert with modern gender politics is every bit as offensive to many Christians as the faux Ten Commandments I posited would be to most Americans.
You and I know that nobody alive today would engage in such a ridiculous speech as that given in my satirical example---nobody outside of a lousy Hollywood writer would actually believe anybody talks this way.
As for hiphop culture, it's long since crossed over to become American youth culture, no longer the province of urban black kids. A white suburban skateboarder would be more likely to speak faux hiphop than his African-American counterparts would today.
With regard to this somehow misrepresenting Christian beliefs, that was exactly the point---these attempts to "modernize" the Bible misrepresent the text. It's no different than Victorian bowdlerizing of Scripture.
In any case, James, I respect your opinion, feel awful that I've offended you, and wish you all the best, sir.
James -- I agree with Teflon and feel that you lack a sense of humor and a sense of irony. The post was funny, creative and fully illustrated the point being made. Lighten up; go watch some Chris Rock or something. He's a proud black man that makes fun of his OWN race.
One of the associate Pastors at my church (read: white, middle-aged, male-pattern baldness, glasses, probably crisps up like bacon in the sun bacause he's so, soooo WHITE in every possible way)described a tough guy he knows as -- AND I QUOTE -- "a bad mamma jamma" last Sunday.
THAT'S the point.
I agree with James on this one. The pseudo-ebonics, while a desperate stab at humour, is tasteless at best. While a white guy might use the word 'bad mamma jamma', the humour in this post is in poking fun at applying 'ignorant-sounding ebonics' to the Ten Commandments.
It's as racist a caricature of black culture as actually using burnt cork and firetruck red. As an Asian American woman, I would liken this so-called humour to a person pulling back their eyes, bucking their teeth and making 'ching chong' noises as they double over laughing at such pedestrian punning as 'Fuk Yoo Chicken' or 'Dum Gai Buffet' (such as with http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com, but I'm sure you've seen similar stuff at Abercrombie and Fitch).
Just because black culture has been bastardized by white America doesn't mean that there's a mass invite to outright and debasing mockery.
Anonymous said, "James -- I agree with Teflon and feel that you lack a sense of humor and a sense of irony. The post was funny, creative and fully illustrated the point being made. Lighten up; go watch some Chris Rock or something. He's a proud black man that makes fun of his OWN race."
Wow, the typical 'can't you take a joke' defense. How creative. To paraphrase, "James, why don't you shut up and let us turn you into the darkie clown, using you as the butt of every joke? Hell, if you know what's good for you, you'd better bend over, take it, and like it!" This entire paragraph was basically asking James to play the black buffoon for you -- I'm hardly surprised that both he and Chris Rock, as proud black men, would be less than enthusiastic about steppin' and fetchin' for you.
Is the only acceptable black man ones who are funny and entertaining for the white mainstream?
Teflon-
Thank you for your response to my comments. I appreciate that you had no ill intention with your post. I’d like to explain where I was coming from in my reaction.
I felt that your joke Ten Commandments were in part a humorous take on hip hop slang and/ or ebonics because most of the lines appeared to me to be phrases and slang that emerge directly from hip hop – ‘bling bling’, ‘props and mad respect’, ‘bust a cap in someone's ass’, ‘don’t front’ are examples. As I understood the joke, the ludicrousness of rewriting the King James Version Ten Commandments in that fashion was supposed to be funny. I disagree.
Hip hop, mass marketed to all today, emerged directly from urban Black youth culture, a culture that retains direct control and influence over the genre today. The enitre marketability of hip hop to the suburban White teenage skateboarder derives from the suburban White teenage skateboarder’s belief that ‘cool’ Black kids in the inner-city listen to hip hop, dress in hip hop fashions, and use hip hop slang.
This ‘cool’ factor emerges from percieved romantized rebellious danger some young White suburbanites derive from tales of criminal behavior in the Black community – behavior that maims and murders Black Americans every day in the United States. Expressions of Black rage and Black pain – often emerging in hip hop slang like ‘bust a cap in someone's ass’ and ‘props and mad respect’, should not be misused lightly, in my opinion.
I completely respect that your example was satire. I’m kinda annoyed that I didn’t pick up on the Brian Austin Green 90210 reference – I actually used to watch that show growing up!
As for the text misrepresentation of the Bible, I wonder if the NIV’s intentions can be justified. True, the modern language rendering of the Bible will change the textual meaning of the Bible in a variety of way s, but with the King James Version currently in such wide circulation, won’t that version’s timeless language withstand this post-90’s rehash? Ironically, hip hop provides a useful analogy, with its insistence on sampling other music.
When Kanye West uses a Bobby Blue Band sample for Jay-Z’s “Heart of the City”, does the Bobby Blue Band’s original classic suffer, or become accessible to a class of younger listeners who may not be exposed to blues music otherwise? Sure, most listeners won’t look past Jay-Z, just as many Bible readers may not interrogate Biblical text in strenuous, serious detail to receive Christ’s love. However, those that do attempt to learn more, gain more, in both instances. The NIV may have a place for those people.
Thank you again for reading and responding to my comments. You didn’t have to, and I really appreciate it. I look forward to reading more from this blog.
James-
Thank you for your consideration and for accepting my apology.
Thanks also for the Bobby "Blue" Bland reference---we posted on the great man's passing some weeks back and he's one of my all-time favorites.
Which brings up an interesting point you raised---hiphop culture is no longer simply African-American culture; it's American culture.
When Muddy Waters and his peers came to Chicago from the Mississippi Delta, the blues began to crossover.
When Ray Charles merged gospel and blues into soul, it too crossed over.
Ragtime, jazz, R&B, you name it---began within black communities, then exploded across the country.
Trying to separate black culture from American culture is a fool's errand given this kind of constant roiling creativeness and interchange.
There's always a downside too---as you've noted, hiphop tends to glorify violence and the thug life, although the same could be said of country & western and blues (a great example of the latter being Mance Lipscomb's "Ella Speed", as misogynistic a song as we're likely to find). It's easy to forget that a lot of the music we enjoy for the danger has its roots in a dark reality indeed. Point made and taken.
There's nothing necessarily sacrosanct about the King James version of the Bible---its language was intentionally archaic even upon its release, an attempt to exalt it. I simply tend to trust a version of Scripture which has endured centuries over that produced by committee today. I don't doubt that the folks working on the NIV did so with the best of intentions, either---the folly of making the Bible "inclusive" just strikes me as odd, given that Jesus Christ made access to salvation as inclusive as it reasonably could be.
Thanks again for your comments, James---thought-provoking and incisive.
Jenn, I'm sorry that we disagree on this, but please refrain from discourtesy. No one is trying to mock anyone aside from the NIV translators in this thread. I respect your opinion and thank you for reading and commenting.
I'm gonna' stick my nose in on this one for a sec. The text can speak for itself without having to be updated. Any publisher can make the text more accessible for anyone who chooses to pick it up. That's why bookstores are flooded with "teenager bibles", "women's bibles", "kids bibles," "businessmen's bibles", and on and on and on.
To take the text and make it say something it NEVER, EVER would have is wrongheaded at best. Israel was a patriarchal society. That doesn't mean women were meant to be disrespected (see the account of Deborah in the book of Judges, the story of Esther, Ruth, and the portrait of the "ideal woman" in Proverbs 23). Solomon himself said that a faithful and wise wife is more precious than rubies.
Paul under the direction of Christ and the Holy Spirit reinforced the notion that we are all equal -- "there is neither slave nor free, male nor female -- we are all one in Christ Jesus." The early church picked this up and began annointing women as teachers, leaders, and evangelists more than ever. To "egalitarian"-ize the language of the Old Testament is to miss the impact of the language of the New Testament.
Just sayin'...
"Businessmen's bibles", Wordgirl? Ha. Must go something like:
1. I’m your owner, you little asset. Forget, and you’re a liability.
2. Loyalty is king.
3. To you, I don’t have a first name.
4. Recharge, so I can bleed you more.
5. Who’s your daddy?
6. Never fire. Freeze out, burn out, set up for failure, withdraw support from and constructively squish anybody that gets in my way.
7. Stick it to your own.
8. You don’t take. I do that.
9. Speak only my truth.
10. That’s theirs. Get your own; ask me how.
Hmmm.
I think you people need to relax somewhat. The simple fact is that this syntax is spread throughout America's youth, and not just the black community. While you might think it's directed at you, get over yourself, it's not.
Frankly if you see racism in this, then the racism is in YOU.
Ed-
I think that might be a little too harsh an assessment.
While it is certainly true that hiphop culture has long since become youth culture, it did start in New York and LA among urban black youth. There's overlap there, and clearly in using distorted hiphop lingo intending to parody a behind-the-times adult attempting to be "with it" I also set off the radar of folks who thought my intended target was young black Americans. Because of this overlap, I think James' and Jenn's reads were plausible and my intro to it was insufficiently clear so as to avoid this misapprehension.
I had thought that referencing what for me was one of the most insipid lines of the "wannabe" era---Brian Austin Green's "I'm the cool mack daddy of the dope hype flow" line from the "Beverly Hills: 90210" episode where he first sets out to become a DJ (I'm working from memory---I've been regurgitating that line for over 10 years now, I think)---would setup the joke. The reference was too obscure.
And with a setup that didn't clearly indicate who I was attempting to parody, I'm not going to claim that folks who were offended are too sensitive or thin-skinned. It's incumbent on me to communicate clearly, and when I don't, it's my fault.
Thanks for reading and commenting Ed---we appreciate your time and input.
Thanks also to the anonymous commenters---it's hard to respond directly to you since you're anonymous, but your views are much appreciated as well.
Hip hop, mass marketed to all today, emerged directly from urban Black youth culture, a culture that retains direct control and influence over the genre today.
If that's what you believe, you are seriously mistaken. "Shug" Knight and Russell Simmons are indeed a couple of the hip-hop culture's symbols, but there are many more "white" executives at recording and merchandise companies than you are apparently aware of - which is exactly the way they want it.
Hmmm.
Personally I thought it was hilarious. I've already sent the link to several devout Catholic friends of mine. Heh.
*shrug* I think a lot of people read far too much into things. It's astonishing to think that people were more free 50 years ago to express themselves than they are today. 50 years ago you could do jokes involving all the various stereotypes, regardless of color, and people would just laugh. If you tried any of that now, someone would be waiting with a branding iron marked "racist".
For my part I'm asian and I couldn't care less of someone started in on doing some "Engrish", i.e. mixing the "l" and "r" sounds. Hey if it's funny, I'll laugh.
Hey last Christmas I had dinner with a friends family. His mother-in-law made a comment about "those slinky-eyed commie jap bastards". Everyone at the table just froze up in shock. I just laughed.
People need to lighten up.
Anonymous, your have a point about the "white executives at recording and merchandise companies."
I remember reading about the trend spotters cruising where the young black kids hang, trying to pick out whatever is surfacing so it can be rushed to market ahead of competitors.
As I understand it, "Indian Art" got started when railroad executives perceived that native American crafts could be merchandised back east. They sent out buyers to contract for production, and designs were quickly modified to suit the customer base. Once that kind of interactivity has completed a few cycles, does "authentic" mean anything anymore?
If American clergy want every word of the Bible translated literally, then they need to explain why they don't complain about the non-literal word translations that have appeared in Bible versions for centuries.
For example, in its original language (Hebrew) the Old Testament doesn't say that the Israelites crossed the Red Sea. It says that the Israelites crossed the Sea of Reeds.
Red Sea is a mistranslation of the Hebrew place-name Yam Suph. The name is literally translated as Sea of Reeds.
During ancient times, Egypt's climate was much wetter than it is now. Indeed, Egypt had a body of water called the Sea of Reeds.
Although the correct translation of Yam Suph is now known, American clergy continue using the mistranslation. A literal translation of Yam Suph doesn't conform to church politics.
Jenn and James's post is of the same mentality as the editors of the Bible: They will determine what is legit and what is not, what is humorous and what is not, what is offensive and what is not.
Anyone who speaks "ebonics" -- regardless of ethnicity or skin color -- deserves to be ridiculed. Yes, deserves it. There is virtually no respect among young people for the English language, and yet we all expect -- with a straight face no less -- that children learn in school and respect education. What learning will their be if people can simply make their own rules, invent ridiculous words and phrases, all in a half assed attempt to be "cool" or "in"?
James & Jenn,
If Teflon shows an "anti-Black bias" by "translating" the Bible into ebonics, that means African-Americans were hateful of their own race long before Teflon started his blog:
Black Bible Chronicles: From Genesis to the Promised Land/Book One
Rappin' With Jesus: The Good News According to the Four Brothers (The Black Bible Chronicles)
But see, it's okay when *they* do that because *they* are the noble savages and *you* have the horrible white skin of the global oppressors. *You* wring your hands in eternal guilt, which makes you superior to Teflon in every way because he doesn't indulge in the self-flagellation that *you* do.
We black people can defend ourselves just fine without you lily-white "soft" racists coming to our rescue, thank you very much. We'd be a lot better off if you morons had stuck to allowing us equal opportunity instead of trying to hobble everyone with equal outcomes.
Funny work, Teflon. Don't apologize for being funny.
James & Jenn,
If Teflon shows an "anti-Black bias" by "translating" the Bible into ebonics, that means African-Americans were hateful of their own race long before Teflon started his blog:
Black Bible Chronicles: From Genesis to the Promised Land/Book One
Rappin' With Jesus: The Good News According to the Four Brothers (The Black Bible Chronicles)
But see, it's okay when *they* do that because *they* are the noble savages and *you* have the horrible white skin of the global oppressors. *You* wring your hands in eternal guilt, which makes you superior to Teflon in every way because he doesn't indulge in the self-flagellation that *you* do.
We black people can defend ourselves just fine without you lily-white "soft" racists coming to our rescue, thank you very much. We'd be a lot better off if you morons had stuck to allowing us equal opportunity instead of trying to hobble everyone with equal outcomes.
Funny work, Teflon. Don't apologize for being funny.
TefMan, I'm mostly offended that you didn't tell me you were posting over here.
Now I gotta add TWO more blogs to my blogroll.
I thought that was damn funny.
For those who were offended -- would you be equally bothered (enough to post with equal conviction) if Teflon had played on one of the "white" stereotypes, ie. starchy, nasal voiced nerd, dopey balding middle aged guy, snaggle toothed hick etc etc?
That kind of thing is quite prevalent in mainstream comedy, yet people seem to have managed to find it funny -- even when the butt of the joke shares the viewer's facial features or skin color.
And please -- none of the Sammy/blackface stuff, that is a straw man. Teflon's joke was more like the good natured ribbing of an I-talian accent or something along those lines, not something that paints minorities as some kind of subject people or slave race.
I thought that was damn funny.
For those who were offended -- would you be equally bothered (enough to post with equal conviction) if Teflon had played on one of the "white" stereotypes, ie. starchy, nasal voiced nerd, dopey balding middle aged guy, snaggle toothed hick etc etc?
That kind of thing is quite prevalent in mainstream comedy, yet people seem to have managed to find it funny -- even when the butt of the joke shares the viewer's facial features or skin color.
And please -- none of the Sammy/blackface stuff, that is a straw man. Teflon's joke was more like the good natured ribbing of an I-talian accent or something along those lines, not something that paints minorities as some kind of subject people or slave race.
Here's my take--even though nobody axed me. Just kidding.
I'm with Ed on this one--he who smelt it dealt it. You cannot want "everyone to just get along" and at the same time want to reserve the "right" to throw down the "race card".
As one of the few whites on my block, I did not immediately correlate Teflon's Ten Commandments to BLACK lingo--but to current generation slang. It could have been my kids expressing themselves like that for all I know.
Or Seth Green in "Can't Hardly Wait." Not Hardly Racist!
You see, there are only two types of folks in this world--the saved and the lost. That's the only thing these Spirit-colored eyes see.
BTW--funny stuff.
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